Weight Of The World On Your Shoulders? .....Take a Load Off.!!!!!

That is exactly what I feel I have done.......no heart-wretching pain, no fear of never seeing that person again...just peace.....let me tell you it feels wonderful.  LOL I doubt that is the last thing you expected me to say after reading how my posts have been reading as of late....but its a new day.....and no more time needs to be wasted.  No matter what I think there will be  a sense of loss for a while but in time that will fade....i mean it had begun to fade this last week so......not much longer.......and then it will simply be the memories in which you must hold onto.
Some journey's in our lives are short, some are long....and sometimes we wander from the path we knew was right, maybe trying to travel down the path of the unknown.....I did that. I fell for someone unlike anyone I had ever dated before....I ventured off onto that unknown path, the one less travelled.   Did I learn anything? only time will tell really. He had a lot to offer, a lot to teach and at times he was very good for me....so I am greatful for that. Looking back  I wouldn't say I loved him  because that is to strong a word. A word that I really do not know the meaning of...although at times I may have felt as though I did....emotions have a funny way of blinding you to reality. I will admit that I cared about him very deeply......but as this situation proves....even that can fade. Is anything really forever?

The conversation tonight was somewhat awkward but freeing...there was no fight, no argument, just me simply listening to him go on about not putting up with stupidity in his life anymore.....as if to say that was all I was....but instead of throwing some ( at that point, since I had already made my decision) unnecessary comment I simply said "yep" and " I agree with you" and " there really isnt any point of either of us wasting our time".  Of course we said the " we can still talk" line how true that is I really have no idea......if we werent really friends during our relationship i highly doubt that friendly conversation will come naturally outside of that....but I have been known to be wrong before.  This is good though......now maybe I can make my way back to my original pathway......the one I was comfortable on......please dont get me wrong, I harbour no bad feelings whatsoever.......maybe a little saddness that it didnt work out because he truly had some of the qualities that are attractive in a man but some things are just not meant to be...and it really takes a strong person to realize that. I think we are both strong people. So I wish him nothing but the best. I hope that maybe i have restored some of his trust back in women, because we are not all bad. And he has restored some of my trust in men, I am greatful for that....because without trust you have nothing....and well...." Mr Big" and I...well we had trust....and it was amazing!

Anyway.........SWOOSH.......( not that that is really the sound makes when you turn the page of a book but work with me here) A chapter in my life is over....its time to start again on this wonderful blank page, so crisp and clean. I have the world at my fingertips where to go from here?...so many choices. :)

 

Well its about Damn Time.....

Thats really all i have to say.......Today it is finally over 70 degrees and it only took ......allmost all summer.. I mean dont get me wrong we have had the pleasure of having one hot day maybe two this July but come on.....mother nature....is 50-60 degrees really necessary in the middle of July?...i dont think so.
Anyway, i figured that in celebration of this wonderful day I would pull out the BBQ and do some grillin.....mmmmm I can smell it now. I have been amazed with myself as of late...for someone who claims not to know how to cook I have cooked up some pretty amazing culinary pieces of art as of late. The most important part being that I am still here to tell you about it...LOL
Anyway I will go for now simply to enjoy my wonderful food ......ohhh my mouth is watering....tata for now.....toodles.......

ciao

Quote

Life is not measured by how many breaths we take... but rather by the moments that take our breath away.

Life has a funny Way of........

Making you want certain things you didn't think you would ever want. This past weekend has been a sex and the city marathon for me...And let me tell you it has been very carthatic......mmm is that even a word actually according to dictionary.com it is but the other definition instead of " bringing about catharsis" has something to do with the purging of the bowels.....yuck..... anyway.... Carrie Bradshaw one of the most amazing female characters to ever exist asked if we are simply victims of conditioned responses? are we always making the same decisions in different situations? Do we always make the same mistakes?  I wonder how you change.....how do you stop the pattern from happening over and over? 
Today was a great day....I played 18 holes of golf....9 which were by myself....something I truly needed. Time to myself, to think.......what do I want? what do I need? I didnt find any answers, but it felt good. To be out there in complete silence....I didnt really care at all where my ball went ....it was just the being alone part that I enjoyed.
I apologize for my thoughts being a little scattered tonight.....
Is it really possible to be friends with an ex? After all the hoopla is over......is it really possible to have a great frienship? what if you arent even friends during your relationship? Is there really anything to hold on to? The most difficult part is knowing that the other person was good for part of you....but destructive to another part......( side note...how many parts do we have? and is there someone who can be compatible with them all?) I suppose that would be the short definition of a soulmate....someone who clicks with all my parts LOL...sorry that just sounds a little funny.
Ironically enough I am sitting on my balcony in his sweater......but yet it doesnt make me feel any closer to him.  I havent yet figured out if that is a good thing or a bad thing?
I practically threw myself at him yesterday......i was a wreck but yet it didnt seem to phase him one bit....after I left.....and well into today...I realized that that wasnt really who I was...I think I was conforming into something he use to have......the girls he use to date would probably have done something like that...and I felt ashamed......but the other part of me knows that something good is worth fighting for....was I really fighting? or holding onto something that was comfortable? How maybe people today hold onto a relationship simply because it is more comfortable than starting fresh with someone new? whether it be 2 months, 1 year or even 10 years? why is it that we think holding on benefits us in the end?
Unfortunetly I am not the only one dealing with this issue. A really good friend of mine was seeing this guy who was holding on for dear life......assuming that he was being good to his gf of 10 years by staying with her.....but really he is torturing her.....dooming her to a life of unhappiness....when maybe her soulmate is waiting for her...out there....somewhere.

All I can say is the pain was considerably less today.....and I am not quite sure how to interpret that....does that mean i dont care and that letting it slip away is what I really want/need? Or am I trying to distance myself from the pain in order to go about my day to day life? Ah this confusion is irritating......

I need some peace.......

Weird....Weird

I took this quiz about what kind of woman I was...and this was what I got.

You are every secretary's nightmare

Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by

The perfect moment with you......... 

What do I want?

I want the good times.........Why couldnt we just hold on to the good times.

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power yeah
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things 
Define what's within I've been there before
But that life's a bore So full of the superficial 
Some people want it all

But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you babyIf I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothingIf I ain't got you 
Some people search for a fountain
Promises forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And that's the only way to prove you love them 
And in a world on a silver platter
And wondering what it means
No one to share, no one who truly cares for me 
Some people want it allBut I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you babyIf I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothingIf I ain't got you 

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you babyIf I ain't got you baby

Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothingIf I ain't got you 
If I ain't got you with me baby
Nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing
If I ain't got you with me baby

I dont know why..........maybe its a comfort thing...or maybe it was really love and thats the part that hurts the most. How you can love someone and it still doesnt work.
Why is Love sometimes not enough?

When you think you know someone........you probably dont.

Sometimes you can get caught up in the everyday stuff, the familiarity of someone that you just only recently met. How can it feel like you have known that person for forever when really it has only been a few weeks? What is it that makes you feel you can trust them with anything? Your body, your mind, your heart?  I guess I learned the hard way that not everything is the way it seems....apparently major technicalities are not so major to some people, and feelings can be disregarded at the drop of that hat if the other person feels it is there right to do what they wish.....I dont know..I have never really been one to feel that way....... Sometimes its almost funny how people can twist situations to make ot seem more appealing to themselves, or maybe they just do not see the result of their actions. I am far from perfect, but I wish i could pinpoint where it went wrong? Our first fight? when he went away? I do not really know...maybe if I could have gotten back to that we would have solved this charade.  But alas it is to late now, and for the better, we had both turned into people we did not want to be......
Last night a chapter in my life ended, something I thought was really good, a person I really thought I could have loved......well it died completely. Some people match and some people dont......we didnt match. The part that sucks is how long it took to figure out. Your heart and mind can easily play tricks on you, making you think you love someone, when really.....you arent even friends. How can two good people not work together?  Is the pre requisite to a good relationship one good person and one bad person?  I am not really sure anymore.......all I know is that I feel like a part of me is missing, the good part, the idea of the good times. I know in time that will fade....it always does. In times like these its hard to recall the bad times....even if that is what you should really be concentrating on, those were the times that ripped it apart. Those were the times we should have let it go but instead held on in hopes of rekindling the butterflies that started this whole thing. He did give me butterflies, he made me feel like I was on top of the world, like nothing could hurt me, where did that go? when did he stop caring?  But the mind can trick you into a lot of things........Regardless........this is for the best.  When one door closes......a new one opens.
 

Find the One that makes you Smile

Sorry I am a couple days late posting.....now trying to backtrack.......The title of this blog........I found it while I was searching for other blogs to read, anything to keep me busy. To keep my mind off of what happened today. I really seriously thought that I had found the one that made me happy...but is it enough to only be happy 50% of the time? How can something that seems so perfect go so very wrong? This just feels like such a waste...throwing something away that is rotten to the core makes sense but throwing away something that is simply just not ripe yet.....well it is illogical.  What are you suppose to do if you do not like the person that you are when your with them? WHY are you that person? WHY cant you stop being that person....what are you afraid of? and why cant he stop being that person that he hates, that he swears he isnt? It is us or is fate trying to send us some very strong signals? if its fate.........thanks message received LOUD AND CLEAR....as much as I hate to admit. I am not suppose to feel like this........my life is not suppose to be complicated.
I regret not going to that concert tonight....maybe it would have saved us or just prolonged the inevitable i dont really know........i guess i am really at a loss for words.... everytime i try to type something....i simply think .."WHY?"
Why did we fight?
Why couldnt we fix it?
Why do I still feel the need to talk to you?
Why arent you home?
Why cant you just love me?
Why do you hate me?
Why do things seem so right...yet turn out to be so wrong?
 
Questions I do not think I will ever have answers to..........
 

Inspirations

To look at something as though we had never seen it before requires great courage.-  Henri Matisse

Pathways of LIfe

Another night, another bottle of wine......this time my thoughts are far away from my peeping neighbour. Tonight.....my thoughts are all surrounding my life......the path my life has begun to take and things I fear I may have left behind. Sometimes there are people who come and go in your lives......they come to teach you lessons, to show you the way, to offer you something you are lacking.....but what can you say about the people who offer you nothing? what lesson is there to be learned from those who are unable to teach you?
This question is one that haunts me tonight. What do I want and need out of the people in my life? Do i really need anything at all? Why are they here? what lessons should I be learning?
so many questions and no answers anywhere in sight......ah damn all my candles just went out...brb.....ahhh there we go.... I dont really know where my thoughts are tonight, there are all sorts of things just wizzing through my mind and i only briefly catch a glimpse of what they are.......which ultimetly ends in confusion. Why cant i stop thinking.....just for a moment.....if i dont...i am going to get myself into a lot of trouble....this confusion may send me over the edge....

I miss you, I really do....and I shouldnt because you arent far from me at all...now how does that make sense...I miss the way you use to make me feel, they saftely i felt unknowingly, the peacefullness......how could i have not realized it sooner.......maybe i can get that back..
In my life i have never really done things without thinking them through first....but with you...i didnt have to think......i needed that...how do we get back there......how do we make this work.

 
thats all i have....... 

Are there really such things as Monkey Fart Bubbles?

Well the title of this blog may seem a little strange to you and to be honest I am not exactly sure where it came from but its 9:25 pm and it popped into my head ...(haha I almost wrote pooped) anyway- I couldn't stop laughing. Maybe its simply because I am tired.... Or maybe it is just my way to make this someone depressing/serious blog a little more upbeat tonight.
This week has been someone stressful for me, those closest to me know why so there is really no reason to bore you with all the gruesome details. We'll just simply say that THANK GOD ITS OVER.
It is really strange. As I sit here in my bed trying desperately to make this as light-hearted as possible I feel as though I am at a loss for words, but all of the serious things I have been thinking about are running around so eloquently in my mind that I fear my fingers will take over and do the talking. Monkey fart bubbles will no longer be the topic of conversation......As well they shouldn't be I suppose.
mmmmmmm ok ok I cannot take this any longer. I will be back....Let me grab a drink and then we will dive into the darkside.
 

Me....... 

A Night of Romance, a bottle of wine, soft music...wait a second where is my boyfriend?

Night of Romance.....a little wine, a little music....wait a second...where is my boyfriend?

( From my neighbours perspective)
That is exactly the question that is on the minds of millions tonight. Where is her boyfriend?
How could he leave her on a perfectly beautiful night sitting on her balcony with soft music playing
in the back ground, an amazing bottle of red wine, a gorgeous sunset....and all alone?
Apparently she heard him mumble something about having to work tonight but honestly.....I
am not to sure.....oh well his loss.

As I watch her from my 3rd story apartment I can see her meticulously placing everything in its
appropraite place before she settles in to type on her computer. What she is typing I am not quite sure
but possibly some poetry or an email to her boyfriend telling him how hurt she is that
he has left her all alone. I have watched her for a while now and lately she has not been happy
I long to ask her why and to simply just sit and listen as she tell me her problems. Maybe
I can help. I wonder what goes on in the head of hers.

Sometimes I stare over to her balcony with my binoculars but tonight that is not necessary. She is wearing
this adorable pink strapless dress and looking as cute as ever. ahem...i have ventured off
from my story..... Anyway today it is difficult to see how she feels, normally her facial
expressions give her away but tonight I am not to sure. She seems more peaceful, more relaxed than normal
and it is a very nice site to see. It pains me to see her unhappy, but alas I am only the
person sharing this building and have no rights to her happiness.

As she takes a sip of her wine I watch her savour it. I use my binoculars now to watch her tongue
slide over her bottom lip to lick the last drop of wine. Her eyes are closed and the look of pure
bliss on her face is agony for me to watch.....oh how I would love to be that drop of wine...

What a waste of a romantic evening.....

( from my perspective)

As I sit her with my amazing bottle of red wine that I have been craving since sunday I wish that
my boyfriend were here to enjoy this beautiful night with me. The sunset is gorgeous and now
slowly slipping behind the clouds on its way to make someone else's day brighter. I watch
the boats go by and breathe a sigh of relief that this weekend is over. It has been a rough one
The street lights have not yet turned on and the bugs have not yet started swarming around me
so I am safe for at least another 20 minutes.

All of the sudden as if I can feel someone staring at me I look up just in time to catch the man
across the way staring at me through binoculars. Oh how odd is this....I wonder what he must be thinking
I hope not terrible thoughts about me chained to his bed.....uggg makes me shudder just to think.


Anyway, I really wish that "Mr. Big" was here with me right now, He would be sitting in the rocking chair
my feet would be hanging over the armrest and we would be laughing, which before this weekend
would have been an unfamiliar sound for us. Thankfull all is now well and we can continue
on our jouney. THe most difficult part is how vulnerable I feel. I know that he wants
to be with me, that part isnt the question. I am not really sure what the question is....mmmmm
confusing....yes I know but that is the mind works.
I imagine my neighbour can see the puzzled look on my face and must wonder what I am thinking
but to his dismay he will never know.

I put the glass of wine to my lips..take a long slow sip and quickly lick the last drop off my lips
that tries to escape. I lean back in my chair, and try to relax and not think about the past
few weeks but to dwell on the last two days and this feeling of bliss....I am scared...but happy
nervous but giddy.....I wonder what is in store for me......

A romantic night, a bottle of wine, sweet music....and thoughts of my boyfriend....

.......A perfect night.....( almost *wink*)

The Darkness is Closing in.....Welcome back.....friend or foe?

My balcony chair is my only safety right now, within hours or maybe minutes between me and the rest of my life I sit here shaking, comtemplating what I will say, how tonight might go, what i am going to do if it does not go the way I hope. My cynicism has me prepared for the worst but that does'nt stop that glimmer of hope that my heart insists on holding onto. This morning was just another day but as the moments past and time grew closer i could feel the tightening in my chest, the sickness in my stomach....how could things have gotten this far? I suppose I should just look at today like any other day but I feel like so much is riding on me saying the right thing. Part of me feels like I have already given up.....like i know what his answers will be and I suppose that is a good thing because at least I am prepared for that. Prepared but fearful. Sometimes I wonder how I let things get this far, how did i let myself fall so fast. The last relationship I was in ended as it was bound to but I didnt feel the pain or regret .......this time is different. God what will I say? should I just come right out and ask if he wants this? If he wants me? or should I tell him that I love him? should I lay it all out on the line? Maybe its better to be alone all your life, then you never have to deal with the pain, the agony of not knowing. Maybe I should stick to things that are guarenteed to be constant.....never changing, how much change can one person take? How much uncertainty can you handle before you lose it?

Confusion.....thats what I feel, I can feel the dark hole that usualy consumes me closing in. Laughing at me because I tried to escape, wanted to be free, needed to find a way out. How could I have thought that was possible,I dont think I will ever learn.

Come What May.....

Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
I want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day I Love You more and more

Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change, winter to spring
But I Love You, until the end of time

Come what may
Come what may
I will Love You
Until my dying day

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you

And there's no mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song,
I'll be there by your side

Storm clouds may gather
And stars may collide
But I Love You, I Love You,
Until the end of time

Oh, come what may, come what may
I will Love You, until my dying day
Oh come what may, come what may
I will Love You, I will Love You

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place

Come what may
Come what may
I will Love You
Until my dying day

I was sitting in Kara's car as she was driving home from the movie theatre tonight and we were listening to the Moulin Rouge cd and chatting about how awesome the movie and the costumes were and how phenomenal the music was when this song came on. Instantly my eyes filled with tears and as i tried my damdest to think about dirty laundry the lyrics invaded my heart, my soul and infiltrated my wall. Why am I only now realizing the things that should have been obvious to me weeks ago? Why am I so terrified of the things I have craved for so long? Years ago i had dreamed about those fairytale men you only read about in trashy romance novels, the passion and the hunger that one man can have for a woman. How you can see it in his eyes that he only wants you, cannot get enough of you, but somewhere along the way I became very cynical, hardened to that image. How have I lost all those hopes and dreams for myself...how at 21 years old can i be satisfied with a life alone? What is wrong with me? Why am i fighting so hard against something that deep down, somewhere in the midst of all this cynicism, i want more than life itself. I dont understand....I suppose maybe I am like a turtle hiding inside this strong, safe shell i carry around. Only protected when closed off from the rest of the world, escaping from the beauty, the honesty and the love all around you. Hardening to the fact that the only way i am protected is inside my shell. It is only now, feeling this loss so deeply that I can see how that shell is not protecting me rather it is harboring me, imprisoning me inside. Can a turtle live without its shell or is it forced to drag it wherever it goes? Is it ever able to be free, to see the world free from fear? Unfortunetly I fear not....its a package deal. I refues to accept this, I cannot be trapped for the rest of my life in this facade, this life and future I have created for myself....I want to feel the sun on my face, I do not want to hide in the shadows. I want to feel love and give love and be happy, be safe, FREE!

I want to vanish inside your kiss.....

Chances are all we have left in life...........the only thing that is truly ours.

"but with him I cant imagine being without him..maybe it just scares me bc i wasnt looking for it......didnt think i wanted it...."

I actually typed these words tonight....tonight at exactly 9:15pm. Talking to me oh so wise friend Steph about love and relationships. Steph and Brad have been together for god knows how long.....so i consider her somewhat of and expert. She said to me...

"like with him gone right now...i almost don't feel like myself...it may sound wierd, but it's almost like he's a part of me".....


I feel weird without you......i feel lost without you, somehow you have become this huge part of me, this essential part of my life. You have become my wall, my strength, the one who makes me laugh and smile even when i try my hardest not to. I wasnt looking for this relationship, I didnt expect to find anything close to what I have with you. People like us do not just meet each other "BY CHANCE", click so well and then let it slip away....i dont think I can do that.

The person who said " It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" must never have felt like this....

If only I could be that Girl in the mirror 

Back into the world Ive Known

Sometimes the emotions you have are swirling so fast inside of you that it is impossible to feel anything.....the moments all pass by in seconds but it feels like years and your agony drags on and on. Sometimes how you feel is said better with a song. All I can say is Thank you Three Doors Down.
It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone tell what I've done
I missed the life
I missed the colours of the world
Can anyone tell where I am

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun again
Away from the sun again

I'm over this
I'm tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here
The feeling's gone
There's nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I've known

"Back into the world I've Known".....my long lost friend, my familiar space, my comfort....we meet again. I should have known better. I should have learned the other two times that the pain would be back, that it was never far away. Maybe one day the part of me that hopes for what can never be will give up. I pray that it is soon because I do not know how much more pain i can take. The one to blame is me....only me...its always only me....

Pieces of me......