The Darkness is Closing in.....Welcome back.....friend or foe?

My balcony chair is my only safety right now, within hours or maybe minutes between me and the rest of my life I sit here shaking, comtemplating what I will say, how tonight might go, what i am going to do if it does not go the way I hope. My cynicism has me prepared for the worst but that does'nt stop that glimmer of hope that my heart insists on holding onto. This morning was just another day but as the moments past and time grew closer i could feel the tightening in my chest, the sickness in my stomach....how could things have gotten this far? I suppose I should just look at today like any other day but I feel like so much is riding on me saying the right thing. Part of me feels like I have already given up.....like i know what his answers will be and I suppose that is a good thing because at least I am prepared for that. Prepared but fearful. Sometimes I wonder how I let things get this far, how did i let myself fall so fast. The last relationship I was in ended as it was bound to but I didnt feel the pain or regret .......this time is different. God what will I say? should I just come right out and ask if he wants this? If he wants me? or should I tell him that I love him? should I lay it all out on the line? Maybe its better to be alone all your life, then you never have to deal with the pain, the agony of not knowing. Maybe I should stick to things that are guarenteed to be constant.....never changing, how much change can one person take? How much uncertainty can you handle before you lose it?

Confusion.....thats what I feel, I can feel the dark hole that usualy consumes me closing in. Laughing at me because I tried to escape, wanted to be free, needed to find a way out. How could I have thought that was possible,I dont think I will ever learn.