Sometimes the Search Box Knows Better

About 5 minutes ago my fingers could not type fast enough...they couldnt keep up with my thoughts and now that I have pulled up this safe haven, this place where I am free to type whatever I want without a care in the world. My fingers have apparently lost the connection with my brain...or maybe my heart i am not really sure which one. Something doesnt really feel right, i wish i could figure out what it was but its a feeling of uneasiness. uggg what am i doing....ill be back later...BLAH

A friend of mine told me that he had found a great song....and normally when people say that I am a little leary simply because most of the time I dont have the same taste in music as most of my friends...but this song....mmmm I am at a loss for words... all i can say is good pick.....

She fooled all of her friends,
Into thinking she’s so strong,
But she still sleeps with the light on,
And she acts like it’s all right on,
As she smiles again
Her mother lies there sick with cancer,
And her friends don’t understand her,
She’s a question without answers,
Who feels like falling apart

She knows, she’s so much more than worthless,
But she needs to find her purpose,
She wonders what she, did to deserve this

She’s calling out to You,
This is a call; this is a call out,
'Cause everytime I fall down,
I reach out to you
And I’m losing all control now,
And my hazard signs are all out,
I’m asking you, to show me what this life, is all about

He tells everyone a story,
Because he feels his life is boring,
And he lies, so you won’t ignore him,
Because that’s his biggest fear
And he cries, but you’ll rarely see him do it,
He loves, but he’s scared to use it,
So he hides behind the music,
Cause he likes it that way

He knows, he‚s so much more than worthless,
He needs to find the surface,
Because he’s, starting to get nervous

He’s calling out to You,
This is a call, this is a call out,
Everytime I fall down,
I reach out to you
And I’m losing all control now,
And my hazard signs are all out,
I’m asking you, to show me what this life, is all about

Have you ever felt this way before?,
Cause I don’t want to hide here anymore,
Take me to a place where nothing’s wrong, and,
Thanks for coming, shut the door
They say someone out there sees us,
Well if you’re real then save me Jesus,
Cause I’ve been this way, for far too long,
I wasn’t meant, to feel alone

Now I’m calling out to You,
This is a call, this is a call out,
Everytime I fall down,
I reach out to you
And I’m losing all control now,
And my hazard signs are all out,
I’m asking you, to show me what this life, is all about
show me what this life, is all about 

Mind Wanderings

Last night I found that picture of a pond. I was early morning and the fog had not yet lifted. There was an empty canoe lazily floating in the water and as I stared at the picture I could see myself lying there inside that canoe. In that instant I was weightless. No worries, no stress, no thoughts at all. I imagined I was lying in that canoe covered by a big fluffy blanket silently listening to the sounds around me. There were birds singing, crickets chirping and the quiet croking of frogs. All of these sounds bring a smile to my face and I feel like Anne of Green Gables in her reinactment of "The Lady of Challotte" It is funn where your mind will take you if you are willing to follow. That place will be my safe haven. My place of peace and ataraxia.

It is 3am.....I have been lost in thought, willing myself into this picture. I can feel the soft almost musky air around me as I lay in this canoe. Feeling the rocking of the boat so gently as it lulls me to sleep......Come quietly in the night and take me......to this place where all is right.......to this world of peace and tranqullity.....where i no longer have to fight. 

Nightly Confessions 

Golf Course Confessions (cont)

Do you think it is crazy to hear a voice that is not your own in your head? I mean no someone telling you to do evil things but maybe "death" talking or "life" screaming to get out? Sometimes I can hear you, and strangely enough it is the soothing voice of Anthony Hopkins. Maybe I have watched 'Meet Joe Black' one too many times but it is comforting, somehow familiar and safe. I know you are always here with me I can feel you....
I am quietly listening and wonder what will come next. Song lyrics fly through my mind but none are staying long enough to make an impact...I miss you though grandam and when I think about you the pain is real and deep.
No more card games, no more mashed potatoes and corn, no more stories about you and grandpa from before I existed. How can you be gone...how could you leave me?
I know the decisions I have made recently have been mine and I know you can see me...I will not make excuses but I am lost.
"Lost Without Your Love"
-Bread
You were my comfort, my rock and my strength. My safe place outside of my world and now you are gone! And I am alone.

My thoughts are jumbled and as I fight to compose myself while at work i begin to think of things much less complicated, less painful....

Tulips
The day has gotten much colder now and as I sit here I see the yellow tulip petals turning brown and falling off one by one. When the wind blows they stretch their leaves and enjoy the ride It is easy to see that this is their journey. When the sun comes out they proudly stand tall and raise their heads towards the heat but when darkness falls you can hear the sound of death quietly creep by. By morning only the tall green bodies are left, their remains swept away into the night breeze.

I have been contemplating the idea of Italy. 'Under The Tuscan Sun' is my inspiration. The movie and its plot almost make me cry because there are so many similarities between the film and my life. My only fear is that I would never come home....
I can picture myself by the ocean standing on a pier with waves crashing on either side of me, or in a vinyard tasting the delicious grapes soon to be made into a fine Italian wine. Days spent relaxing, dreaming, swimming in fountains. I can feel the warm air on my cheek, smell the salt in the air even as the wind here blows strong and forces the hat from my head.....
REALITY......
Maybe that is a hint....to stop dreaming. As i chase my hat towards the pond I laugh to myself, how silly I must look chasing after this yellow hat. Who knows where the wind will take me. Another day....another journey....lets hope this road is not a wet one.
Well I will end this today...no more insightful really than when i started...my thoughts all jumbled into one long post......but we will meet again soon!

Golf Course Confessions

I am sitting here at work on the 14th green this time watching the golfers go by. Stationary again...will this never end? Today is incredibly beautiful except for the wind. It is blowing fiercely almost as iff it is pushing something away from us or holding what is to come at bay. It is strange how mother nature can take care of us one minute and then ravage us the next. What a great segue into my next thought...about my life and how my brain pushes people and experiences away, holds them at bay when my heart longs to cherish the times I could have. The powerful force of nature and one's longing share much in common. Last night I let go, I actually allowed my heart to take control. And not because I am in love or in lust but simply because there are moments to great, to amazing, to allow them to pass by. What you said to me last night hit me, and I really beleive that you are genuine and honest but due to my past there is always that lingering doubt. Something has changed and maybe I only need to relax and take in this experience but....well I am not sure.....I am going to enjoy this journey wherever it may take me.
I saw your face in the morning light
and wondered what I had done
to deserve this time your giving me
allowing me to grow and really see
how beautiful this world can be
I will admit that I am scared
of falling head over heels
but i would never trade these moments
not in a million years
When souls connect and two become one
the battle begins, to live and love
As long as our honesty is true
I will never walk away from you.

Maybe it is because it has been a while, or maybe it is you but my brain is moving a mile a minute and my hand does not want to stop writing. Even though I feel that there are no more words left to write this struggle between the physical and the mental aspects of my life are strong. Something is hiding...there is something I am feeling. I can feel the pressure, the heaviness of it inside me. The pathways of my thoughts and feelings must be blocked somehow or these feelings and ideas have found a haven in this matrix of mine. I need to scream, to shout and cry.....why won't you tell me how you feel. Do not hold back, let it go.....Its ok.

Times Change

It is 10:47am and I just walked through my door and as I sit here in my room amongst my things I try to remember the girl I once was. Somedays are harder than others, my memories seem to be locked away in the vault of my mind...oh how I wish i could unlock all those precious times without having the wave of pain and torment follow.

Last night my life changed...in a great way....in an amazing way. Time did not seem to exist but the simple things around me became so clear and distinct. The smell of chicken sandwhiches and sweedish berries still linger with me hours later. The image in my mind so vivid and pure. My emotions running wild. Fear, anxiety , anticipation all run through my body at an accelerated pace. This world I have been living in has been one that is unknown to me and too many changes are difficult to deal with but I am not alone this time. When the seasons of this journey change I know you will be there not only to help me through but to sit and watch the beauty unfold as well.
You have taught me to live for today and not tomorrow or what may be. That the experience of now will be lost if you always look for the future.

Somehow you know who I am, you can look in my eyes and see me. It scares me to know that you may be the one to uncover my scars, to unleash my passion and want, to make me lose control........Times Change......

Songs for the Day

My Weakness - Moby
Mad World - Gary Jules

My World of Fear

In my world of fear
Where there is no one near
I scream and cry
And ask God why
"Am I to always be alone
never to live and love" I moan
My heart and soul- competely torn
My body and mind- totally worn
An empty shell
My own hell
Trapped in this dream
As real as it may seem
God only knows if Ill come out alive
My hope is only to survive
Now in this place
My empty space
I feel the darkeness closing in
Surrounding my life and all its sin
Today, today will be the day
Where in the grave my body will lay
Ill cast away my world of fear
Because of the truth in your voice i hear
I'll live each day with faith and hope
And somehow, someway Ill learn to cope.

Dear You

I am writing you this letter because i got to the golf course today and totally forgot that we would be stationary and I forgot a book or some other form of entertainment to keep my busy! Go figure.
So anyway I hope you dont mind but this letter may be long and silly but please just bear with me!
So anyway the course looks much better than I had anticipated. I totally expected to come to work today and find swamps and huge puddles convering the grass but to my dismay everything looks normal. It is sunny, warm, with a nice gentle breeze that every so often will blow through and remind me of days when I was little playing in the backyard without a care in the world. Those days are long gone or so it may seem. No even my most relaxing days are filled with worry and stress. There always seems to be that underlying pressure just waiting..... Anyway back to the course and the beauty of today.
The birds are singing away "chirp, chirp" I hear them and watch them fly freelu from tree to tree. Today its almost as if they carry the meaning of life on their wings. So free, no inhabitions,no stress, no predators, ( Unless you count a a flying golf ball) and yes i can only imagine.....a poor little bird flying through the air without a care in the world. All of the sudden "Whack" Hit with a ball, falling from the sky, hitting the ground with a thud. Dead. No one yelled "four", no one ran to see the injured bird, but simply stomped their foot, threw their club because that bird cost them a birdie.
Well thankfully no birds have been hit on my watch. 'Knock on Wood'
Anyway I sit here and watch a group of four on the #1 green. Today is a shotgun you see so everyone starts at a different hole and plays their round. I am not sure what point of the game these golfers are at right now but it looks as if they are nearing the end. No more cheering for great shots made, no high five's for birdies or eagles. Just a sheer look of desperation to get to the next hole.
Something like life I suppose.
No enjoyment of the road you are on at the moment but a drive so strong for that next journey. ' Wake up and smell the roses'.
With any luck this group of four will get to the next hole, T off only to end up in the bunker or the pond.... oops a double bogey......mmmmm how like life.

Well 3:51pm and I have been sitting here for almost an hour and only three sales so far. Apparently the alcoholics have decided to stay indoors.....oopps wait one second customers....

Okay well one beer and two smirnoff later....mmmm coors light not my drink of choice but I suppose I have not auired a taste for it yet. I suppose if I am going to aquire a taste for something.....I mean it could be gasoline? or maybe dirt? Well okay i must admit I have tried dirt before but a very long time ago, not a great experience, although there was no hangover the next morning.
?????mmmmm idea??????.........I THINK NOT.
Well nine minutes have gone by and the skies have gotten considerably darker. A part of me hopes that it rains. To see all these golfers get wet. I of course will be protected in my little snack cart with the blue and white striped tarp, but the rain seems to be staying at bay. Too bad.
Well I am sure that I have managed to bore you to death but maybe I have made you crack just a tiny hint of that beautiful smile. So the rest of these pages will be full of current issues......

Like how last week has been like a dream for me. I am not even sure that there are words in our human existance that could capture the essence of how I feel. Being the real me is much more exciting than I had thought. I have been much to scared to ever attempt coming out of the world I had created for myself. My world of fear. This place where I feel I dont belong has somehow now been opened up to me....The most frightening thing in the world is.... well maybe ill save that for another day.
I feel safe with you, My soul is at peace with you. There is this feeling of tranquillity (notice the two L's) This past week has made me realize that all the bridges into the " real" world that I thought I had burned were only hidden from my view. Hidden by the fog. I can picture it so clearly in my head. A scene from a Kinkaide picture....Serenity.
You make me want to sing like no one is listening and dance like no one is watching. You make me want to be me and that is the greatest gift anyone has ever given me. So no matter what happenes....Thank you!
Well on that note I will end this hopefully with my pride still intact but thank you. You are amazing and deserve the best. I am blessed to know you.

Nightly Confessions- Butterflies........Lots of Butterflies

Sometimes there are people who come and go in your life and they leave a huge impact. People you cannot get out of your head. Sometimes, for me, there are songs that linger in the air around me, get stuck in my head, touch me in a way that is unexplainable. This song for some reason hit a chord. I am not sure if its the music or the lyrics or the situation I was in when i heard it ( which is probably the case )but the title "Hurry up and Wait" to me just sounded like a huge contradiction but it describes my life at this exact moment. I feel like I am rushing to get things done, rushing to find the things I crave but I forget to wait for those things to come to me. I forget that I should not be in a hurry.

"Hurry Up And Wait"

we wait to wake to get a ride in the rain
buy a ticket they can check we can claim
so we don't spend what's our own for a
seat a place to stop a green light a red
cross they run around naked doing old
things like the ones before
wait for a break so you can take a little
something that'll make your next break
come along a little quicker than the one
before wait for an answer spy a sweet
dancer as she walks from the door of the
hall wish you waited for your wedding
vows so hurry up and wait
but what's worth waiting for?
we wait to get warm the car starts from
cold stall to make a first move magazines
made the rules to make us lose wait for
your dream man the house you could both
plan the car in the sales ad the wet dream
with the man you wished that you had
a watched pot never boils sugars seconds
to dissolve see your appetite lost foods
relevance is lost inside
so hurry up and wait
but what's worth waiting for?
so join the queue me and you
wait in line it takes our
time to be satisfied

I wish there were adequate words to explain my world right now. I am happy...wow....those words feel really strange to type...to think...to see as something I have written.


Butterflies.....Thats what you give me....Butterflies......
I met you but a week ago
And vowed to take it slow
But because of the way you make me feel
Im not quite sure how to deal
You open my eyes and make me feel alive
With you by my side I know I will survive
There may be an end to this intoxicating bliss
If our time comes your soul I will truly miss
So until that day I will cherish our time
And walk away with memories that will always be mine.


If I had to walk away and all I could take was my memory of this week....I would be satisfied for eternity.

-Thank you