Golf Course Confessions

I am sitting here at work on the 14th green this time watching the golfers go by. Stationary again...will this never end? Today is incredibly beautiful except for the wind. It is blowing fiercely almost as iff it is pushing something away from us or holding what is to come at bay. It is strange how mother nature can take care of us one minute and then ravage us the next. What a great segue into my next thought...about my life and how my brain pushes people and experiences away, holds them at bay when my heart longs to cherish the times I could have. The powerful force of nature and one's longing share much in common. Last night I let go, I actually allowed my heart to take control. And not because I am in love or in lust but simply because there are moments to great, to amazing, to allow them to pass by. What you said to me last night hit me, and I really beleive that you are genuine and honest but due to my past there is always that lingering doubt. Something has changed and maybe I only need to relax and take in this experience but....well I am not sure.....I am going to enjoy this journey wherever it may take me.
I saw your face in the morning light
and wondered what I had done
to deserve this time your giving me
allowing me to grow and really see
how beautiful this world can be
I will admit that I am scared
of falling head over heels
but i would never trade these moments
not in a million years
When souls connect and two become one
the battle begins, to live and love
As long as our honesty is true
I will never walk away from you.

Maybe it is because it has been a while, or maybe it is you but my brain is moving a mile a minute and my hand does not want to stop writing. Even though I feel that there are no more words left to write this struggle between the physical and the mental aspects of my life are strong. Something is hiding...there is something I am feeling. I can feel the pressure, the heaviness of it inside me. The pathways of my thoughts and feelings must be blocked somehow or these feelings and ideas have found a haven in this matrix of mine. I need to scream, to shout and cry.....why won't you tell me how you feel. Do not hold back, let it go.....Its ok.